Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
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Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight