Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution