Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

bias laundering edition

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.