Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

pat pat

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline