just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Creative Problem Solving
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
sin harder.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice