just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
lmao
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things