Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun