Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that鈥檚 impossible to change
Baby shark: I鈥檓 out
Mommy shark: I鈥檓 out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
when nothing goes right… go left
Hey I worked for it too!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that鈥檚 what i鈥檓 trying to do. poison them.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
bias laundering edition
It was worth a shot 馃槀
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨