Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
You Might Also Like
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.