Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

ㅤ

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once