Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello