Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

😭😭😭

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.