Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Erm I’m gonna say no
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
