Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.