Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three