Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My love language is deader than Latin
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.