Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

o shit

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

2023 was just a warmup

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes