Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Left at a local drug store…

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

you stereotypes are all alike

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING