Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.