Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*