Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.