Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
You Might Also Like
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
