Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School