Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.