Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Well, my evening plans are ruined
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.