Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.