Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
see next tweet for some translations
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*