just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her