just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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O Wise One….
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.