Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

I am also baked goods

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes