Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
You Might Also Like
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”