Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool