Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.