Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

man: wait

time: no

The glory of fall.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Another day, another…goddammit

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before