Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.