Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
This is not me but this is me
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.