Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?