Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
where’s Godzilla when we need him