Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Cause of death: Zumba

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that