Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
