Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.