Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.