Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.