Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
We all have our pet causes.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
I disagree with my politics
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.