Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
can’t bark with your mouth full
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”