Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars