Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

oh she’s cooked

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket