Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.