Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.