Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.