Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower