Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*checks Timeline*…
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home