Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.