Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*lint rolls you awake*
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
