Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
![]()
You Might Also Like
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
pep talk
![]()
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*sewing*
A thread
Midwest trash talk
![]()
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
![]()
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?