Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
