Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.