Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing