@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

Her: You never ask me about my day.

Me: *rolls eyes* It’s not YOUR day, Brenda, it belongs to all of us.

@JohnDuffy21

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya.

@DrakeGatsby

Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.

@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@maxhaarhaus

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

@Tmoney68

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help