Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?