Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

The fall of Netflix

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)