Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Milk Cube
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
BETRAYAL
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
What happened to the other hiker??!
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby