Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.