Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Duolingo getting serious.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Good morning.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Try and stop me.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.