Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

This is so wrong 😂

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Seek kebab; not attention

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

😂😂

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance