Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People