Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I need a headline like this
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.