Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius