Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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Animal poetry
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset