Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She might be a genius

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

My favorite farside!!

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her: