Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Finally! 😈

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”