Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
You Might Also Like
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave