Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
i wonder why they stopped looking
Rude much 😂😂😂
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds