Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three branches of government

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.