Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Just this preview of the story is enough

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me